Hung Out With Ex and He Wants to Do It Again
Today, we're going to talk almost what information technology ways when an ex-boyfriend wants to hang out with you.
And then ultimately, we're going to be defining what that situation looks similar and information technology's not necessarily the most common state of affairs that nosotros encounter inside our coaching practice, but we do see it from fourth dimension to fourth dimension.
- So we will be defining what it means.
- Next, nosotros'll exist looking at really what cost crusade them to desire to hang out with you.
- Why would they enquire you out afterwards a breakup?
- And we're also going to exist talking about if hanging out with them is a proficient idea or non.
- Should y'all do it?
- And if yous do determine to do it, how should you lot be acting when y'all hang out with them?
So without further ado, let's just spring right into information technology. All right.
What Does Information technology Mean If Your Ex Wants To Hang Out With You
And then what does this actually look like?
What does it mean if your ex wants to hang out with you?
At present, the truth is that it's really non a ane size fits all kind of an answer.
There are any number of interpretations for what it means when they want to hang out with y'all, what the intent is behind the enquire.
- They could want you lot dorsum.
- They could simply be trying to be prissy to you.
- They could be trying to prepare a friends with benefits type situation.
At present, the real challenge isn't necessarily understanding why they're doing it or understanding what information technology means, rather, it'south agreement which interpretation is real.
Now, I spent some time actually game planning what I was going to say when I came to this department of this data.
And ultimately, I recollect I came up with a pretty cool approach to potentially helping you empathise which interpretation is existent.
And then I've given along iii chief interpretations for what it means when an ex wants to hang out with you.
They could desire you back. They could be merely trying to be overnice, or they could be trying to set upwards a friends with benefits blazon situation.
Now, what's interesting is when you wait at each of these three encounters, or situations, or interpretations, each i has almost different symptoms.
And then while in many cases y'all're going to find the common theme throughout, you just kind of have to wait and come across what their deportment sort of tell you. There are some telltale signs that this person'south leaning more than towards this mode, or this person's leaning more towards that way.
So what I'd like to practise is get through each of these three interpretations and tell you lot what some of those telltale signs are.
Interpretation #one: They Could Want Y'all Back
So let'south go showtime with the, what it will wait like if they want you back.
So your ex basically broke up with you.
Most of the people hither have been through the receiving end of a breakdown.
Maybe you get through a no contact rule. Yous stumble across some of our pieces of content.
Y'all like what you lot hear, y'all start implementing it. And then when y'all do become back in touch with them, they desire to hang out with you lot. And so what would it look like if they wanted to hang out with you because they wanted you dorsum?
Well, the outset thing you should really pay attention to is if they bring up the past a lot.
We're noticing that nigh of our clients take anxious attachment styles.
At present, nosotros're not maxim this as similar, "You need to be diagnosed with an anxious zipper way disorder." It'southward not like that. They simply have anxious tendencies after the breakdown, because for them, their entire world revolves around this breakdown.
At present, a lot of our work is sort of shifting their focus from focusing less about making their entire world about the breakup and more than nigh like, "Hey, look at all these other interesting things that you tin exercise."
Only we as well know from dealing with these broken-hearted attachment styles, individuals that their exes tend to be avoidant attachment styles. And what's interesting virtually avoidant attachment styles is they actually live for reminiscing.
They really alive for nostalgia. Oftentimes, we're finding that almost of your exes will not begin to actually miss you until they feel condom missing you.
And the only way they feel prophylactic missing you is if they feel similar yous've moved on from them or that you don't desire them dorsum anymore.
Then they give themselves permission to miss yous. And then what ends up happening is they get this bout of nostalgia and they want to try things again. So what they'll do is they'll bring up the past a lot.
"Hey, exercise you lot call up that really interesting time we had on the beach?" or, "Hey, do you lot remember when we went on that spur of the moment vacation?"
Usually what yous're going to be looking for if they're bringing upward the by a lot is going to be romantic situations in the past. Now I'thou not talking about intimate situations.
I'grand non talking about when you got hot and heavy blazon state of affairs. I'chiliad talking about really meaningful emotional situations.
Like the commencement time he or she told you that they beloved y'all, or the first fourth dimension that yous maybe opened upwards to them in a way that really was meaningful for them.
And then they'll bring upward the past a lot and specifically those blazon of situations in the past.
They may also repent for their part in the breakup.
They may take some ownership of, "I was a existent jerk to you." What y'all'll also detect is they'll say, "I love you lot a lot," or, "I miss yous."
This is a little fleck rarer because near of the fourth dimension they won't say I love you lot until they're back together with you, but they will say, "I miss you." And they'll hint at these kinds of things before the meetup.
This is an important and frequently underlooked at fact.
About of the fourth dimension people are focusing on what happens during the meetup.
Well, if they want you dorsum, these types of things volition creep in before the meetup actually occurs. So that's the first interpretation on what to look for if they potentially desire you lot back.
Interpretation #2: They're Just Trying To Be Nice To You
The 2nd estimation is if they're merely trying to be dainty to you lot. So the whole concept of them trying to be squeamish to you lot really revolves around the concept of staying friendly later on a breakup.
And then what happens with these types of people is they're friend zoning yous.
But what's interesting about the friend zone that I don't think oftentimes gets talked virtually a lot is the concept that your ex, if they friend zones, yous is notwithstanding getting something out of it, and that's the emotional attribute of a friendship with yous.
So what y'all're looking for here, if they're only trying to be prissy is before the meetup, they're opening upwards to you an extreme way emotionally, but they don't become romantic with you.
So you'll get the sense that they're just essentially using you for emotional support. And what ends up happening and nosotros're going to talk a little scrap about this when we talk about what causes them to want to hang out with y'all is the grass is greener syndrome might play a role here.
And so maybe at some bespeak in their relationship with you, they feel unsatisfied and break up with you because they retrieve they tin observe someone meliorate.
And what ends upwardly happening is sometimes when they don't find that someone better, or maybe they practise find someone better, that someone better does not see their emotional needs like you met their emotional needs. And then what they're looking to practise is try to set a situation where they can get their physical needs met elsewhere, but their emotional needs met from you.
Then that's the 2d big estimation and things to expect out for.
Interpretation #3: Friends With Benefits
The third one is a friends with benefits type situation where they're non necessarily coming into information technology with the intent of playing yous, simply they are coming into it with the intent of condign intimate with you lot. So frequently, before you guys meet upwardly together, they'll bring up times that you lot were really together in the past a lot.
Then they'll flirt with you lot, merely it will become very sexual very fast and information technology will make maybe even you a little bit uncomfortable and start questioning, "Should friends exist talking this way to each other?"
That'south a good sign that this is mostly what they're going to be after. We've seen this happen a lot before the actual meetup.
And then of course, when you lot get to the actual meetup, they will really appoint in aggressive blazon of flirting. I don't know how to say this without being blunt, but they will endeavor to make a move. Frequently, what's interesting is and this is mostly women listening to this podcast, but a big aspect of the dating expanse for men specifically is the pickup artist niche.
And it's e'er interesting because I never endeavour to excuse any concept that I think tin help my clients. So what was interesting is a few years agone, I took a expect at like, "Okay, well, what are these pickup artists recommending and tin nosotros use any of the things on a reverse surface area towards the men that my clients are trying to become dorsum?" And what's interesting is this idea of kino flirting came up.
And then kino flirting is similar where your progressive really ratcheting upwards the intensity of concrete affect a engagement. So like, if you imagine on a date you lot starting time with the slightest physical touch on, a hug, and then maybe y'all slowly touch their paw in a gesture when you're telling a story.
Then peradventure y'all're starting belongings easily and it just continues to progress from there.
What you're actually looking for if your ex is trying to create a friends with benefits situation is this subconscious kino flirting.
So subconsciously what volition happen is on the date they will brainstorm touching you lot in these means. It volition start out lite, just so the intensity will go more than and more than intense every bit the date goes on. And then somewhen they will ultimately endeavor to make their move.
Now, I don't think I need to say this, merely I'm going to say it just to cover my bases. Nosotros do not believe in sleeping with exes before you really get a commitment. We find that if you do end upward with a friends with benefits state of affairs, it's actually amid one of the most difficult situations to get out of. All correct. Then let'due south switch gears here and talk a little bit most what causes them to want to hang out with you.
What Causes An Ex To Desire To Hang Out With You
And I kind of already gave the answer away a piddling bit earlier when explaining the interpretations, but we're finding that a huge reason or a huge motivation for why your ex-swain will want to hang out with y'all after the breakdown is the grass is greener upshot.
I think you tin brand one big blanket statement near all breakups in that, usually they occur because one or both parties thinks that they tin can find someone else to better meet their needs. This is the very definition of the grass is greener effect.
So they sit in that location and think, "Well, I can find a better alternative to you. I can find someone that meets my needs better than you, and I'yard going to prove it." And this is also a little flake of where that winning the breakup concept comes into play as well.
A lot of times people with a grass is greener syndrome desire the grass is greener to be on the other side so badly considering it means that they were right, that their decision does not take to be lived with regret.
Of course, what ends upwardly happening is usually it'due south a l-50 proposition.
Sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side.
And when they realize the grass isn't greener, they have to walk this really tight, tight rope where they are non admitting that they were wrong for breaking up with you lot, but also knowing deep downwards that they regret their conclusion.
So you have this paradox that exists where on the one hand, they desire to continue their pride.
They want to make certain that they, they did non make a mistake. But on the other hand, they're having extreme regret because they're realizing how much they miss you. So oftentimes, what ends upwardly happening is there's the ho-hum progression towards them asking you out.
And we retrieve this is one of the large causes that makes them desire to hang out with y'all. And I do think yous can sort of loop in the interpretations that we talked about as well. If they desire you dorsum, this is certainly the case.
If they're just trying to exist nice, at that place'due south even a grass is greener effect in that location considering they're looking for emotional needs to become met. If they desire friends with benefits, once more, you take a grass is greener effect because they're really looking for the physical needs to get met.
Then they're regretting their conclusion to go out you.
Is Hanging Out With Your Ex A Good Idea?
Now, let'southward become to the rub. Is hanging out with them a good idea?
This one's a hard one to respond, considering really it depends where you are in the process.
So one of the things that I talk a lot near on the podcast, the articles, the YouTube channel, even the program is the concept of the value ladder.
So the value ladder, if you don't know what it is, the best analogy I can give y'all is imagine that you accept a ladder upward against a house. In guild to climb the ladder, yous have to take each step one by one.
This is the way you should be approaching trying to go an ex back.
That's the approach that yous desire to take.
You start out with something very, very light. Well, let's back up. You lot showtime out first with the no contact rule.
And so later that, you starting time off with something very, very light where you're just text messaging them back and forth and building a connectedness through text messaging.
And so after that connection has been congenital through text messaging, yous accelerate upward and start calling on the phone or mixing in telephone calls or FaceTime or Zooms with them to endeavour to ratchet upwards the tension.
I call back also sending them videos can be included here or sending them vocalisation notes can exist included hither. Once plenty allure had been congenital upward, so yous run across upwardly with them. But you don't meet upwardly with them in a romantic way.
Y'all run across up with them in a light, a non-romantic/little romantic way and and so after enough of those meetups have happened, and then you go on your showtime true romantic date.
And if yous're able to go through that progression 9 times out of 10, if you're a female, your ex will ask for you back. Though, we do have sort of a protocol for what to exercise if you are in a situation where y'all're ex is too cowardly to ask for yous back.
Now, this is where it gets difficult, because what substantially is happening with this topic where your ex swain wants to hang out with you is they are skipping to the top of the value ladder. And then here's my approach.
My approach is this is truly a gut decision, just I think in my opinion, you should not hang out with them during a no contact rule, unless they specifically land they want you back. That's the one caveat.
Other than that, a no contact rule has to be finished and completed in order for you to consider hanging out with them. But ideally in a perfect earth, what we want is to build up some anticipation for that run across upward.
So they want to hang out with you.
And the best way to do that is, let's assume you're in a situation where you end a no contact dominion, you get back in impact with them, and then your ex immediately wants to hang out with you.
Do you say aye or no? Well, you kind of do the heart of the road approach, which where you say yes, but then you reschedule. What I mean by that is yous say yep, but reschedule to a later date immediately say, "I would dear to, I'm decorated on this 24-hour interval. Does this day work for you instead?"
The reason for that is information technology gives you some time to look… It does 2 things actually. The first affair is it really tests to see how much your ex-boyfriend actually wants to hang out with you.
The second matter is information technology gives you lot more than time to go along building a connection so that y'all can kind of come up into this with some type of momentum. What happens if you don't practice that though?
Well, we take seen it piece of work out. I'm non going to sit down hither and lie to you lot. In some cases, we've had people completely disregard the communication that I simply gave. Only hanging out with their ex, their ex immediately asked for them back.
But, in over 70% of the cases, information technology doesn't work out. Why?
It doesn't work out because ultimately your ex-boyfriend is looking for some time blazon of need to get met. Either usually they want an emotional need met or a concrete need met. Once those needs are met, once you hang out with them, the hunt is over. They've gotten what they've looked at and they're thinking to themselves, "I didn't really want her back anyways."
Yet, the approach is different if you make them work for information technology a little bit. And I'm non maxim similar physically, I'm saying, brand them piece of work just for your time. Of a sudden they value you more. And then that is the thinking behind why you should sort of say yeah, just schedule.
How You Should Deed If You Decide To Hang Out With Them
Okay. So how should y'all act if you decide to hang out with them? This is a really good question.
And to exist honest with you, if it's your showtime meetup, I think you should just come up into this with a few tenet rules that you're constant by. If you lot come into this with the script of exactly what you're going to say, it usually ends upwardly being super awkward and not so efficient.
Instead, come into this with only a few guidelines.
The guidelines are, you're not going to actually bring upwardly the past relationship. If they bring upwardly the past human relationship, don't pretend and information technology didn't be. Admit it, and then change the subject and say, "Yeah, I'd actually like to talk about where we are right now." Or, "I'd actually like to talk most something else interesting." I don't know, think of something. The second big dominion that you want to exercise is you should always await bully.
Show them what they're missing out on. And really the third big rule is if you're going to compare with something, it needs to be something important that you do during the no contact rule. So we've been talking a lot most the no contact rule and the concept of the Holy Trinity.
And actually the Holy Trinity is a fancy way of maxim someone who has anxious zipper tendencies will… If you can imagine their time is like a cake. Someone who has anxious attachment style tendencies, 70% of that block is dedicated to their ex, 30% is defended to all the other aspects of their life. What nosotros're really trying to get you to do during the no contact rule is to make your ex only 30% of the block and the rest of your life 70% of the cake. That'southward what we're trying to become you to do. And then what you're doing with your fourth dimension should be noteworthy enough to mention.
Hither'due south an example using a wellness-based type matter. Then I recently have gotten into cycling. I've sustained an injury in my foot. I was preparation for a marathon. So I sustained an injury in my foot and I needed something low impact to practise. So I got into cycling and started really getting into it and trying to understand similar, "Okay, what are the best bicycles? What'due south the best cadence? And what's the all-time way to train?"
And then I bought a bike and realized there'due south this really cool program online called Zwift, which allows you to basically set a real bike up in your house and ride in a digital world with other people. And it's really absurd. I just literally was doing it earlier I started talking about this topic. And information technology's actually absurd because yous could see other people'southward paces.
So you get to kind of race them a lilliputian scrap, only too you get to run into all sorts of cool things. The scenery alone just helps yous non focus on how much pain information technology is to go along pedaling. And it'due south really absurd. If you go a smart trainer, it simulates what it's like to actually go up a hill.
There'due south really cool maps on there. There's like a map where you can ride through a volcano. At that place'southward a map where there's dinosaurs around and y'all're just riding. There's pre-programmed workouts. It's just this really cool thing.
At present, if you tell that type of a thing to your ex, it's going to do a couple of things. Number one, is it going to say, "Wow, she's been working out." Number two is, "Wow, that's really cool. Zwift, I'm going to have to check that out." And information technology'southward even ameliorate if yous take some sort of physical… like the Zwift has this app that you can use on your phone, where you can evidence people your workouts and make friends. Information technology'southward like a wheel support grouping type thing.
Simply information technology's similar a absurd story to sort of share. You merely demand to come up into the date, or the hangout, or the meetup with that type of a mentality.
Only talk about what y'all've been doing without your ex and don't rub it in, just make information technology really interesting.
Talk about one aspect and commonly that's enough. So that's going to practise it.
Source: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/my-ex-boyfriend-wants-to-hang-out/
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